Avena Naomi Savage

...This is to you.

Last night, our conversation led us to a point of hiatus, as you know, and as a result, I am devastated. I am so happy, though, that you and I will have a time to seek Christ in our lives, and center ourselves on something higher, and less inconsistent than I know I have been. I apologize for all of the hurt I have brought us, and I apologize for being selfish, and closed to you. There is nothing I want less in life than to see you unhappy, especially if it is at my hands. You are the most special person in the world to me, and I hope that these past months have been a testament to how I feel.
I hope one day, maybe soon, maybe not, that you and I may perhaps reconsider our separation with a new understanding for grace, love, and dedication. I know that I have not set an example, as I have been called to again and again. You have repeatedly shown yourself to be a voice of reason, and a grounded thinker: both mature and rational. I am continually humbled by the patience and grace you show me.
Someone facetiously asked me how this new indefinite amount of time would differ to the moments I pursued you before; I realized that no matter how rational our decision was, I will struggle even more knowing I am no longer as significant. Completely without trying to make a greater-than-thou statement, I've realized that I probably needed and still need you more than you've ever needed me. I am so grateful for the months we spent together, and I acknowedge every second spent with you, whether together at your home, leading worship together, or sipping horrible coffee at the E Street Cafe, as a beautiful, precious blessing. I will never forget you, Avena Naomi Savage. I will wait for you forever.

Do what you want but I know who you are
Say what you want but I know what you're thinking
Go where you want but I won't be too far
Go where want and I know where you'll end up

If you fall in love
Fall in love and hold nothing back
I'll fall in love
Fall in love and hold nothing back from you, oh

San Diego...

...Is beautiful. I miss that place dearly. I had the opportunity to go back for the weekend with my roommate Zach, and I loved it. It was filled with a lot of visits, and I even got to hit up a show on Saturday night. The Highlight, however, was seeing one of my best friends, and mentor's wedding. Matt Carlson, I love you and I am so happy for you.

Things are strange. I won't lie, the visit still felt empty. Without Avena being there, I felt like it was all meaningless. I know that's somewhat selfish, but it's true. I found myself really upset every night, and I just wish there was more I could do for her at this distance. I feel like I'm failing her.

Actually, I probably am.

Things have been tense lately, and I only have myself to blame. I really did foresee things being difficult, but it looks a lot harder than I had anticipated. There's no disputing that I can handle it, though. I mean, how dare tell Avena that I love her, and not bear any hardships along the way? I am going to stand by her until the end. I just hope that I can pick up the slack the I've been leaving. I haven't been as good to Avena as I should be, and I make it worse by constantly complaining and being all intense about us. Sometimes I don't know how to balance, you know?

I don't want to slip back, and even allow the slightest doubt that I may love and adore Avena with all my heart, but at the same time, I don't want to be that ridiculous intimidating intense boyfriend. I usually end up falling on either extreme, I'm guessing. I'm so bad at this 'boyfriend' thing.. it's really quite frustrating. What more can I do? What should I do less? Am I doing anything right?

Something the preacher who married Matt and Paige said was that, in a spouse, we should "Expect nothing.. and appreciate everything". That's something I will have to work on. I am constantly complaining, and I really need to simply appreciate Avena for all that she is. Who am I to complain? She is patient with me, she is faithful, she is truthful, she has a heart that burns for Christ, and she's more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. Basically, I was blessed with the perfect woman.

She makes me so happy. She told me last night, she knew I loved her. That's pretty much the best thing ever. It made me happier than I've been in a while. At least, since we've been apart. I hope she knows that.

I don't want to make this blog too long winded... so. Music.


"New Surrender" by Anberlin
"Shogun" by Trivium
"Beneath The Medicine Tree" by Copeland