This blog is dying...

And I intend to revive it.

BP's 50 over 70, BP's 90 over 50, pluse is 120
Pupils fixed and dilated she's beginning to flat line

This is not a joke.


I feel like as things get more chaotic in my life, the less I stop to reflect. That's bad.
The more chaotic things get, the more I should reflect. The more I should write. That hasn't been the case nearly enough. I think that I try and work through problems too much, instead of thinking. It's that whole.. rationale taking over me. I doubt it's good for me.

I considered to myself what I would have left in life if absolutely no one cared about me. God included. The answer kind of scared me, and comforted me. It scared me, because I realized I would have very little; essentially nothing. It comforted me, because I know God will always care. I guess its one of those places you come to in life, where you're willing to walk your path with God, and God only... just because there's nothing else.

I'm pretty jealous of Avena right now. She's doing fantastically at her college, and is like a new celebrity. Her songwriting skills are phenomenal, and reflect all the hard work and dedication she pours into everything she does. I have always respected her for that. I just wish that I could write songs too. It's almost shameful to think that I ever presumed to 'teach' her guitar.


It's depressing to think that now, at this point, I am completely at her mercy. I wish she'd call, text, or email. Write, even. That would be glorious. I know she's busy, and I know she's growing.. but I miss hearing from her.


Fuck you, reason. Fuck you, rationale. Fuck you, logic. You've destroyed me.

These weeks

...Have been ridiculous. Truly.

    Without splurging into an unholy amount of detail, things have been stressful up until last night. I'm glad I was able to talk to Avena for the amount of time that we did. It was refreshing, and much-needed. With a huge weight off my shoulders, I feel like I can begin to make peace with the other factors in my life.

    Something I've been doing recently is listening to my music, all shuffled up. Except.. not so shuffled. I have the songs listed in alphabetical order, so its cool to hear different versions of the same song play in sequence. Also, it's made my life a whole lot more nostalgic, because I'm hearing songs that I bought in eighth grade.

My list starts with "A" by Cartel, and ends with "82558" by the Dillinger Escape Plan. There are about 10,000 songs in between.

    So I've estimated that if I listen to my library for an average of 4 hours a day, I'll probably get through my whole library by Christmas, 2009.

    It's a goal, I guess.

    So I guess I don't have new music suggestions.. except.. a few new albums, perhaps? The new Haste the Day, new Elysia, and new Emery are all very good CD's. Go out and support music.

-Seiji

Lost in the sound of separation..

I can't hear!
I can't see!
I keep trying to figure out where I
need to be going.

How selfish am I allowed to be again?
Not selfish at all?

That makes things difficult.

I've been clutching to this compass
and I damn well hope it points North
because I have nothing else to lean on.

Give me a break? I don't know
what the hell
I'm doing.