This blog is dying...

And I intend to revive it.

BP's 50 over 70, BP's 90 over 50, pluse is 120
Pupils fixed and dilated she's beginning to flat line

This is not a joke.


I feel like as things get more chaotic in my life, the less I stop to reflect. That's bad.
The more chaotic things get, the more I should reflect. The more I should write. That hasn't been the case nearly enough. I think that I try and work through problems too much, instead of thinking. It's that whole.. rationale taking over me. I doubt it's good for me.

I considered to myself what I would have left in life if absolutely no one cared about me. God included. The answer kind of scared me, and comforted me. It scared me, because I realized I would have very little; essentially nothing. It comforted me, because I know God will always care. I guess its one of those places you come to in life, where you're willing to walk your path with God, and God only... just because there's nothing else.

I'm pretty jealous of Avena right now. She's doing fantastically at her college, and is like a new celebrity. Her songwriting skills are phenomenal, and reflect all the hard work and dedication she pours into everything she does. I have always respected her for that. I just wish that I could write songs too. It's almost shameful to think that I ever presumed to 'teach' her guitar.


It's depressing to think that now, at this point, I am completely at her mercy. I wish she'd call, text, or email. Write, even. That would be glorious. I know she's busy, and I know she's growing.. but I miss hearing from her.


Fuck you, reason. Fuck you, rationale. Fuck you, logic. You've destroyed me.

These weeks

...Have been ridiculous. Truly.

    Without splurging into an unholy amount of detail, things have been stressful up until last night. I'm glad I was able to talk to Avena for the amount of time that we did. It was refreshing, and much-needed. With a huge weight off my shoulders, I feel like I can begin to make peace with the other factors in my life.

    Something I've been doing recently is listening to my music, all shuffled up. Except.. not so shuffled. I have the songs listed in alphabetical order, so its cool to hear different versions of the same song play in sequence. Also, it's made my life a whole lot more nostalgic, because I'm hearing songs that I bought in eighth grade.

My list starts with "A" by Cartel, and ends with "82558" by the Dillinger Escape Plan. There are about 10,000 songs in between.

    So I've estimated that if I listen to my library for an average of 4 hours a day, I'll probably get through my whole library by Christmas, 2009.

    It's a goal, I guess.

    So I guess I don't have new music suggestions.. except.. a few new albums, perhaps? The new Haste the Day, new Elysia, and new Emery are all very good CD's. Go out and support music.

-Seiji

Lost in the sound of separation..

I can't hear!
I can't see!
I keep trying to figure out where I
need to be going.

How selfish am I allowed to be again?
Not selfish at all?

That makes things difficult.

I've been clutching to this compass
and I damn well hope it points North
because I have nothing else to lean on.

Give me a break? I don't know
what the hell
I'm doing.

Avena Naomi Savage

...This is to you.

Last night, our conversation led us to a point of hiatus, as you know, and as a result, I am devastated. I am so happy, though, that you and I will have a time to seek Christ in our lives, and center ourselves on something higher, and less inconsistent than I know I have been. I apologize for all of the hurt I have brought us, and I apologize for being selfish, and closed to you. There is nothing I want less in life than to see you unhappy, especially if it is at my hands. You are the most special person in the world to me, and I hope that these past months have been a testament to how I feel.
I hope one day, maybe soon, maybe not, that you and I may perhaps reconsider our separation with a new understanding for grace, love, and dedication. I know that I have not set an example, as I have been called to again and again. You have repeatedly shown yourself to be a voice of reason, and a grounded thinker: both mature and rational. I am continually humbled by the patience and grace you show me.
Someone facetiously asked me how this new indefinite amount of time would differ to the moments I pursued you before; I realized that no matter how rational our decision was, I will struggle even more knowing I am no longer as significant. Completely without trying to make a greater-than-thou statement, I've realized that I probably needed and still need you more than you've ever needed me. I am so grateful for the months we spent together, and I acknowedge every second spent with you, whether together at your home, leading worship together, or sipping horrible coffee at the E Street Cafe, as a beautiful, precious blessing. I will never forget you, Avena Naomi Savage. I will wait for you forever.

Do what you want but I know who you are
Say what you want but I know what you're thinking
Go where you want but I won't be too far
Go where want and I know where you'll end up

If you fall in love
Fall in love and hold nothing back
I'll fall in love
Fall in love and hold nothing back from you, oh

San Diego...

...Is beautiful. I miss that place dearly. I had the opportunity to go back for the weekend with my roommate Zach, and I loved it. It was filled with a lot of visits, and I even got to hit up a show on Saturday night. The Highlight, however, was seeing one of my best friends, and mentor's wedding. Matt Carlson, I love you and I am so happy for you.

Things are strange. I won't lie, the visit still felt empty. Without Avena being there, I felt like it was all meaningless. I know that's somewhat selfish, but it's true. I found myself really upset every night, and I just wish there was more I could do for her at this distance. I feel like I'm failing her.

Actually, I probably am.

Things have been tense lately, and I only have myself to blame. I really did foresee things being difficult, but it looks a lot harder than I had anticipated. There's no disputing that I can handle it, though. I mean, how dare tell Avena that I love her, and not bear any hardships along the way? I am going to stand by her until the end. I just hope that I can pick up the slack the I've been leaving. I haven't been as good to Avena as I should be, and I make it worse by constantly complaining and being all intense about us. Sometimes I don't know how to balance, you know?

I don't want to slip back, and even allow the slightest doubt that I may love and adore Avena with all my heart, but at the same time, I don't want to be that ridiculous intimidating intense boyfriend. I usually end up falling on either extreme, I'm guessing. I'm so bad at this 'boyfriend' thing.. it's really quite frustrating. What more can I do? What should I do less? Am I doing anything right?

Something the preacher who married Matt and Paige said was that, in a spouse, we should "Expect nothing.. and appreciate everything". That's something I will have to work on. I am constantly complaining, and I really need to simply appreciate Avena for all that she is. Who am I to complain? She is patient with me, she is faithful, she is truthful, she has a heart that burns for Christ, and she's more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. Basically, I was blessed with the perfect woman.

She makes me so happy. She told me last night, she knew I loved her. That's pretty much the best thing ever. It made me happier than I've been in a while. At least, since we've been apart. I hope she knows that.

I don't want to make this blog too long winded... so. Music.


"New Surrender" by Anberlin
"Shogun" by Trivium
"Beneath The Medicine Tree" by Copeland

Mondays...

...Not really into them. Not gonna lie.

It's cool, though. I woke up this morning perfectly. My alarm went off at 8:05am, and I got up and turned it off on the second beep. I showered, made myself a PB'n'J, and a cup of green tea. I'll admit, though.. I need to make a tea a bit stronger tomorrow. It didn't act fast enough, and I was still very sleepy in my first year seminar class. We discussed James Loewen's points on history and it being taught incorrectly- but that's beside the point.

I went and got my packages today at the mail center. It's only a 1/3 mile walk, but still. When it's hot outside and you're sleepy, its a bit of a drag. Especially because I knew I was only getting some personal paperwork for my job, and a textbook. It's about time, though. That paperwork is long overdue, and I might not get paid if I don't take care of that soon. *Makes a mental note*.

I have my first test in Audio Tech Survey today. That should be interesting... seeing as I just recieved my textbook in the mail today. I'm sure I'll do fine.

My desk is pretty amazing right now. ProTools apparatus, letters, and scented postcards are adorning the edges of my workspace. It's nearly heaven.

But not quite.

I could have the love of my life here. But she's in Seattle now, and I'm happy for her. Things will get crazy, I'm sure. I only hope that when school starts up, we'll be able to continue in good contact. I'm way out of my league. I'm not gonna let her get away without a fight.

Because I love Avena Naomi Savage with all my heart.

Wednesday morning...

..And I'm so tired, it's ridiculous.

Something I've come to realize lately is that I'm kind of a lame person. I don't appreciate life nearly as much as I should. I have been blessed by so many people and things in life, and I still manage to whine, complain, and hurt those who love me.

Avena, you mean more to me than everything else. I'm sorry I don't show that in more tangible ways. I promise to you that I am doing my best to show that appreciation for you.

So last night I stayed up late again. It seems to be a college trend. I came here expecting to be a healthier person- in that I would eat healthier, work out more, and sleep more. I've been doing moderately well.. but I still don't sleep enough. I think I have more Mountain Dew running through my system than blood. Probably not a good thing.

Anyways.. I have one more class today at noon. Survey of Audio Tech. I love that class.. but it's not nearly long enough. I almost regret choosing a MWF class, because I only get it for 50 minutes. Shame.

Music it up:

"Lost in the Sound of Separation" by Underoath
"Viva la Vida" by Coldplay
"How The Lonely Keep" by Terminal