The Calm before...

...Nothing. 'Cause this ain't a calm.

Tomorrow, I have a five page essay due in Seminar, and a final exam for Survey of Recording Technology. I'm finishing up my paper now, and I'm realizing how much of a complainer I've been. To everyone. To the people in my dorm, to the professors in my classes, and to the people I love. Sure, I really doubt I will use what I've 'learned' in First-Year Seminar. I really don't think I'll be glad I compared all the short stories and essays that I did in English, but that's just all a part of life. What we do leads us to who we are. Who we want to be.

I want this to be my formal apology to Avena. To Drew, Sunny, and Sam, my Residence Assistants. To my friends in Hail Hall.

I've been an over-dramatic, complaining bitch about everything recently, and I don't have any excuse or reason for that. If you read this, I hope you understand that I have humiliated myself, and really couldn't feel any worse about the way I've acted.

From the start, I've treated college with a cold and bitter zeal. I wanted to get the grades, and get the heck out. I didn't care about people. I didn't care about being here, or who I interacted with. I wasn't thriving at all, and I know certain people realized that quickly. Avena tried to help me create a place here so I could flourish and be nurtured, but I reacted selfishly. I can't believe people have the patience with me that they do. I didn't want to go to college, and essentially, I still don't. But I've come to realize that there's more to life that my own ambitions, dreams, and desires. It's about growing, and learning. It's about realizing your dreams, but still living the life that God sets in front of you- not the life that we want, or try to forcibly have.

In any case, to you, my readers, I apologize. I am so sorry for the way I have behaved. The way I have treated you. I hope I can make it up to you. In the meantime, I am going to do my best pursuing the education that I came here for- but this time, I'm not going to close myself to others. I'm definitely not going to close myself to Christ's calling. I just hope that by doing this.. I can make a few things right.

"...Feel like when its between what I want and you want...
...It's the choice between doing whats selfish and what's stupid...
...Because I still love you, and you're still gone..."

Music:

"Parasite" by See You Next Tuesday
"Red Medicine" by Fugazi
"Noise Floor" by Bright Eyes